As David was driving me to work this morning I couldn't stop thinking (as I haven't been able to for a week or so previous) about how I just don't feel the same towards him. I'm not interested in him touching me or any of that and I can't even pretend to look at him with adoration or affection. I don't miss him and quite honestly, I can't think of why he's around. This is nothing new however, not the revelation I hinted at. What I've been trying to figure out is why this is. He's the same guy. I'm the same woman.
Well, the other day we were watching Californication (the 2nd Season... So awesome) and Karen decides to leave Hank again. The constant issue that plagues her is that although he may be a great lover, friend and boyfriend, he's not a very good man. He's a boy and doesn't really live for anything. His life is a waste by all productive standards. He smokes, wastes his life doing senseless meaningless activities, he's always lying and is generally not offering anything to anyone besides a good laugh everyone in a while.
So I automatically related to her on this, the only difference is, none of that prohibits or hinders their attraction for each other and sex life. Well, this I had to think about. What I reveled today was this: I feel very much towards David what Karen feels towards Hank; the major difference is that my attraction to him lies not in the bad boy vibe, but in the fact that he's historically a responsible, intelligent, goal oriented, motivated man. He is also very sweet, affectionate, funny, witty and has the most seductively snarky sass I've ever bantered with.
The sad news, is that all that seems to be lost. Its not that I've changed or that I no longer feel the same towards those characteristics. They're simply not there. They're AWOL. The important thing to consider is that this dates back way before he lost his job, I just didn't realize or decided not to care because he would accomplish some things at work and was a little more productive with his time.
Now, he's started smoking again, and quite often hides or lies about that. I'm almost fully sure he's bought more cigs but his mom transferred money into his personal account so he secretively uses that so I don't see it come out of our rapidly depleting checking account. He is by himself at home, with no form of work from 9am until at least 9pm Monday through Friday. During this time he has to pick me up from work and take me to school; this is it. The rest of the day is his. He plays Counter Strike (a stupid, repetitious FPS that he used to play professionally as a teenager) ALL DAY LONG! I'm not kidding, he really does. I'm a gamer too. There have been days where I could play all day long too. But not everyday, all day for weeks. He has been off now for 15 days. If I were in that situation, I would already have a job or unemployment, the house would be spotless, probably painted, my book finished, and already dropped at least 5 lbs.
He wanted the puppy, but doesn't want to look after him for fear it might disturb his game. He complains and wants a big deal made out of it when he does clean, which he's done once. He halfasses everything. He's gained weight, not that I care cause I like it that way, but it bothers him and he does nothing about it. We even have a bike at home. I think he's went to class a total of 5 times max all semester, never studies, never reads. Even watching tv or a movie would be better. He is doing nothing to improve his life.
We share one car right now so I can't go anywhere. Does he make me lunch or dinner so I have something to eat? No. He could go anywhere all day, the gym, the park, the library, wherever. He doesn't offer to take any responsibilities off my hands. I still have to pay all the bills, make all the appointments and everything else there is to do. He could be calling for estimates for me for the deck and windows upstairs. He could be taking Atlas to the Vet and making the appointment. He had an interview (his first and only) last week and barely attempted to look nice for it. This was early in the week last week and he didn’t' change his clothes all week. He even kept the same clothes on to clean the day he did and went to Easter at my Mamaw's in them. I think he finally decided to change yesterday.
OMG, I'm just so tired of all this. I can't deal with all I have to do for school and him right now. I'm going to hang in there for the remainder of school and then see what happens. Maybe we'll need to sit down and have a nice long talk about it and see what he wants to do.